Step Aside Gwyneth.

The beloved Ms. Paltrow compiled a list of some ridiculous "must-haves" for September's issue of Elle Decor... and while she caused quite a stir for listing hand-painted wallpaper as a must-have, I kind of understand where she's coming from.

I mean, as soon as the bedroom set and TV were purchased, naturally one needs to invest in a quality hand-painted wallpaper…

In the spirit of wanting/having ridiculous things that people do not need, I'll play your game Gwen.

Joj's Top Ten Must-Haves for Fall

10. Frye's Dorado Lug Riding Boot.  

$468.  Even if I could justify spending half of that on a pair of shoes, there is not enough Vaseline in the world that could get my calves into these.  Moving on...

9. A Tiger.

You can buy them online now for $13,400. 

(Fee includes an ivory collar and three tiger toys.)

… which makes me wonder, what would a tiger toy be?  Better make some extra room for a gazelle or a zebra.

8.  Hermes Lalbhai Scarf.

Provides absolutely no warmth for $760.

7.  Custom Built 2011 G55 AMG.

You don't think I'd compromise the safety of my passengers with the standard brakes, did you?

$124, 450.  Your safety?  Priceless.

6.  Nike's MAG sneakers.

The cost of rocking the Back To The Future limited edition age-appropriate light-up shoes?

$10,000.

Unfortunately, for that price they're still unable to lace-up themselves.

5. Alexander McQueen Pencil Set.

$50.
Models and outfits not included.  In fact, not even a pencil sharpener is included.
I'm pretty sure I have pencils identical to these from a 2nd grade bookswap… they were $0.10 back then.
My, how times have changed.

4.  The Vividus Bed by Hastens (watch the video, and try not to NEED this.)

Memory foam?  Pssh.  Try this handcrafted mattress claimed to be the best in the world.  
These people love making beds as much as I love sleeping in them.
$59,750

3. The Talos Outdoor Cooking Suite
No one will expect to see this gold-plated monstrosity when you say, 
"Come on over, we're just throwing some hot dogs on the grill" 
Features a vaporizer grid.  (I have no idea what that does, but for the price, you had better believe it comes with a vaporizer grid.)
$35,000.

2.  An Apple Orchard

So I can go apple picking whenever I want.  This orchard in Kentucky also has peaches, and blackberries.  No mention of slugs, chipmunks, or squirrels eating everything in sight.  And $390,000 is worth the peace of mind.  I hope it comes with a groundskeeper... or at least a lawn mower.

1.  Ina Garten.

She has yet to name her price, but everyone has one, right?

Ina, on call, for when you're hankering for roasted eggplant caponata at 4 am…

Jeffrey can come too.

Gwyneth, that's how you make a must-have list.  Hand-painted wallpaper is worthless if you have a pet tiger that claws at the walls for fun.  Duh.