A Milli... A Milli... A Millionaire...

I'm sure you've been spending the better half of your day imagining what it would be like to become a ga-jillionaire overnight... Let me save you some time. We started a pool at work and by the end of this evening, if everything goes as planned, I will be $37.5 million richer.

That being said, I had some serious planning to do today.

The first thing I'd do is replace some things in my life that I haven't really felt the need to spend money on. For instance, I'd replace that old alarm clock of mine for one of those fancy alarm clocks that play music to wake you up.

Justin Bieber Alarm Clock.

After the basics are taken care of, I'd invest in some security detail. Everyone says it's a good idea since you'll probably be receiving a lot of death threats and/or fan mail from people who just want you for your money. That being said, it's also important to assemble a team you can trust.

It's better to be safe than sorry, they say.

Once I know I've got my back covered, it's time to make some new friends... people who understand what life is like in the 0.005%.

Hand-painted wallpaper? That's for the poor, Gwyneth. I honestly don't know how she wipes that fabulous tush of hers with anything less than 1000 thread count quadruple ply toilet paper. So sad.

Once the glitz and glamour gets tiring, I'll probably want to settle down somewhere quiet and understated, where I can raise a handful of farm animals (or hire someone to raise them and go out and pet them occasionally) and live a simple life under the radar.

I went palace shopping and found this gem in Sweden...

 Some of those other palaces were so over the top and flashy... The Palace at Mysore? An eyesore (har har har, gotta love palace humor)! 

Drottningholm Palace is just what I'm looking for - nice and cozy.

Since I'll have funds to really jazz up the place, I'm going to fill the kitchen with some super fancy appliances. 

People count as appliances, right? I mean, they get things done too. And it will really help me cut down on my electric bill. Need a food processor? Nope, just use John Besh. Need a coffee maker? Nope, Eric Ripert's got you covered.

And I hope this doesn't leave you thinking I wouldn't do charitable things with my newfound money... I'd donate plenty of it (it is a lot, after all). Not to small-fry things like the environment, or hunger, or the clean water thingamabob Matt Damon's got dibs on, but bigger things, like America.

It's called cultural enrichment, folks.

If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I'm laying low for a few days to let all of the excitement die down and getting my financial team assembled. Once things quiet down and I'm all settled in at the Palace, I'll be back... probably with some fabulous prize for your patience. 

Oprah's big Pontiac giveaway will look like a spitball in the face compared to the shower of Aston Martins I'm going to rain on you people.